Sunday, October 25, 2009

Allergy Queen

musings from a FrienDly Coworker:

This is a bedtime story for you, as in I'm writing it from my bed...

Once upon a time, there was a girl with beautiful skin. The skin was so lovely, it came with a special curse and she was allergic to everything. She soon discovered that Cortizone steroid creams were good friends of hers and that band-aids were her worst enemies. At age 12, she cut her toe on a chair at a Renoir exhibition and the medic bandaged it up rather than have her make her own bloodied Impressionist art on the tiles of the gallery. The result was so severe, she was housebound with fiercely itchy, lumpy toes filled with clear liquid, while all her friends went on a special tour of Sydney and Canberra.

The girl grew into a woman, who enjoyed a variety of delicious foods, yet had never sampled cheese of the blue variety. She celebrated her first, well-deserved holiday from high school teaching, with a cheese platter containing a strong, mouldy chunk. She found it delicious and ate it with gusto, only to spend her vacation covered from head to toe in hives. Her kindly grandmother, now deceased, gave her some anti-drowsy, anti-histamine tablets. She took one and spent three days comatose and with drooling slack jaw.

This fresh-faced woman had been raised to keep the kashrut and had never tried anything with an exo-skeleton. There had been one time her Jewish friend had popped a tiny prawn in her mouth, but she had assumed the vomiting which occurred afterward was as a result of G-d smiting her from above (that and a combination of red wine and New Zealand vodka and driving around and around in circles in someone's car).

This protagonist found herself at a sushi restaurant in Florentin. Against better judgment, she ordered from the menu, though wary of the rastafarian gentleman making the food and his unrefrigerated, bacteria-laden seafood. Even as she popped the innocuous sushi in her mouth, she pre-empted food poisoning. Her dining companion suggested she finish the last two from her larger plate, and thinking it was tuna inside, the skin-allergic woman popped one in her mouth. Many hours later, she discovered she had eaten crab in some form.

The protagonist, slightly tipsy and red in the face, walked from a Beatles-themed party in Yaffo to the centre of the city, sweating and whimpering as she scratched her skin. She passed out as soon as she returned home and woke up to vomit extraordinary amounts of bile. Her lips had swollen slightly, being the only positive, as lip enhancements don't come cheap.

Knowing that the secret to a rich, fulfilling and painless life was to avoid bandaids, blue cheese and shellfish, she lived happily ever after.

The end.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

October is almost November

Hello week of change. Thank you for embedding yourself in my life, it's not like people don't DIE in my life and on top of that I'm a convert. I've accomplished enough change in the last decade to have quadruple personalities. Enough change that these personalities could even take on different races and hair texture. I may have straight asian hair right now, but two years ago, when Foxxy Tamoosh was surfacing, I had a the biggest fro'.
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My two best girlfriends in Israel have packed their bags to freshen up their lives in the U.S. What's more ironic is that they're British and they are going to live in MY country. MY country. They are going to have access to the brands and products that I grew up with. They are going to update me on TV shows that I should know about before them.
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I guess what makes it so hard is because these two particular women were stars in my growth in Israel. I met them both at a critical time of my life in Israel that their support is a major cause of my stability, success, good looks and academic brilliance in this country. We've run into the Meditteranean Sea on cold winters evenings together and i've sat patiently listening to their self-written Megillah's on the woe's of being human.
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Aww I miss you people already!
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It got me thinking on my walk to lunch an hour ago and I did a quick calculation on the financial woes of living in Israel and my jaw fell to the floor. Then it ran away, and I started chasing my jaw, but it was too quick and clever and took a sharp left onto a one way street just as a newly washed Mazda 3 was exiting. After the Mazda three pulled out of the street I found myself stuck in the middle of Tel Aviv, without my jaw and missing my girls.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The goldstone Report

There is no doubt that war is a terrible thing to occur. But here is a view the media often prefers to not explore.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Goodbye Holidays

Often, when I'm walking down the street, I see an eccentric individual and in my head I come up with their whole life story. This is a quality I learned from my father, he had quite an opinion and imagination about anyone we ever met. I remember those opinions floating around to the passenger's side of his white Oldsmobile when i wasn't tall enough for my legs to even hang off the seat. I was just long enough that my shoes shook in the air and I listened patiently to how Mrs. Smith wears dresses that look like curtains or how Mr. Garcia is a great business man but why can't he wash his car?
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But, I am not writing about that. Preston Force has made it through a round of the longest chain of holidays in a row that Judaism has to offer. For weeks on end it did not cease, just when one event was completed we would remember we had dinner with so and so on this day and family time on this day and yes, another gathering on this day. We found ourselves squeezing in cleaning time and walking times and missing out on sleeping time.
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This could be a big reason why I feel so fatigued and after this week will begin grounding myself on Thursday nights. At this rate- i am tempted to give up anything that is poisonous and only meditate and drink smoothies. The weather is changing and my bones are getting a bit sore. It's time to tuck away celebrating for awhile and get into sweater hibernation.
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Anyone with me?

Friday, October 09, 2009

Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus

There is a girl I grew up with who was obsessed with the word Jesus. Jesus Loves YOU! she would yell at us as we scrunched our pom-poms before the football game. Jesus Jesus Jesus she would stutter in every sentence, even we we spoke of hair removal at age 12. Sometimes, during lunch in the cafeteria, she would jump and proclaim her love for Jesus.
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She loved this word. She never explained her love for Jesus. She would just yell it out, as if protecting her evil thoughts with what she believed was a positive one. When she lost her virginity our Junior year, she bought it back the next week by promising Jesus she wouldn't have sex until marriage- this proclamation was advertised with a paper plaque on the wall- her name scribbled in cursive over the computer made line. She showed her "promise ring" to everyone- the hands holding a heart with a crown on it. In gold. In camp, she never made her bed and her room smelled like fart, but she loved Jesus. We knew this.
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Now, we've found one another on facebook. She's a gorgeous woman, with a gorgeous family and she STILL loves Jesus. I witness it in every status update: JESUS is my BEST friend, i feel her smile through the internet.
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Shiver.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

My new Disease

Humans Fatigue Syndrome


Primary Symptoms
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As the name people fatigue syndrome suggests, this illness is accompanied by fatigue. However, it's not the kind of fatigue patients experience after a particularly busy holiday or social event, after a mosquito night or after a stressful event. It's a severe, incapacitating intolerance of humans that isn't improved by alcohol or drugs. In fact, it may be exacerbated by touching more than 5 humans a day. It's an all-encompassing fatigue that results in a dramatic decline of mental health and tolerance for world news and even, the TV show Friends.
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People with people fatigue syndrome function at a significantly lower level of social activity than they were capable of prior to becoming ill.Their only thought of joy is to put on earplugs to find that happy place that is usually in the center of their bed. This is not to be confused with depression. People fatigue syndrome is a direct result of hyper-socializing.

Those with people fatigue syndrome are encouraged to find a hotel, a safehouse, or a cheap plane ticket out of their current location as the mere thought of seeing other humans makes them writh with pain and often results in severe skin rashes behind the earlobes.The illness results in a a severly bad attitude and continue'd exhausting, but is easily treatable with something called work life balance. and by following the human avoidance theory.