Monday, September 21, 2009

My Frienemy

I have a confession to make. I have a Frienemy. You know. The Friend Enemy. My Frienemy is different.
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She has a tooth growing out of her forehead. Perhaps if she didn't have this tooth growing out of her head she would be my enemy. Or perhaps she is my friend because of this birth defect. Her tooth is always well polished and on Thursday nights, when we get all dolled up in hot pink eye shadow and bracelets, she'll stick a fake diamond sticker smack dab in the middle of her forehead tooth all while chewing a fat piece of hubba bubba watermelon.
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no lie.
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My huzzy (that's Ginrod talk for husband) says she's sparkling and a little bit odd. He can't trust her because the tooth is so distracting. How would YOU feel if you had a TOOTH growing out of YOUR forehead!!? I scream at him.
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He said he wouldn't like it one bit. I nod sarcastically.
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My Frienemy has a variety of special things about her. She likes to take pieces of watermelon for instance, and smear it all over the tiles before serving it to her friends. This is why she is a Frienemy. Real friends just would never do that.
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I once walked in on my Frienemy polishing the tooth on her forehead with my top shelf dead sea scrub. I got it as a gift from my the secretaries 2nd cousin and the line has been dropped from all major stores in the western hemisphere.
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When I am angry with my Frienemy, I often think of holding her down with my knees and taking a pair of open-stock pliers to her forehead. In many ways, I feel like removing her tooth from her forehead would benefit all of us. She would have more success in her karaoke circuit and I would stop thinking she had enemy capabilities.

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