Sunday, August 03, 2008

My awakening at 28

I woke up this morning reflecting the past year. The good thing about a birthday is that it gives you a time stamp to count from. To reflect the last 12 months and plan where you're going. Ever since I was 18, I've been able to collect my accomplishments in a one year period. This past year I lived my first year as a Jew, I moved to Jerusalem, I became an Israeli citizen, and I'm set to marry my best friend. So far I've learned not to try to make okra into a soup, that white wine is better in the summer and not all my friends love super spicy Gazpacho soup. I've learned that I can lick 70 stamps but my fingers will get a creepy residue on it and that the writers strike really did affect the quality of movies produced in the last year. I accepted that Hilary will not be president but am ok with Obama. In the last year, I decided to try and not put so much butter on my stovetop popcorn and appreciate fluffy pillows. I went to Ramallah and looked upon the faces of Fatah and decided that I'm not as scared as I used to be. At 28, I am coming to terms that perhaps I will never become the rockstar I never tried to be but may rock out with other endeavors.
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A couple days ago I had a terrible dream. The one where a man with a knife is set to attack P Bonez and I. The one where I tell him to jump out the window and escape because i'd rather go than lose someone else. Nevertheless, we both escape from seperate exits only for me to find that some shady men have taken P Bonez away from me. I woke up in a sweat. Shaky and disturbed.
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It was only three and a half years ago that I couldn't wake up from my worst nightmare. The nightmare where the most dearest to me were taken away and I had to wake up every bright and beautiful Israeli morning to face that realization. A few years ago, I could only escape momentarily into a dream world where everything was normal. Where I had my father, and Tsiki -and life was as it is.
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I shed some tears last night in my awakening that for the first time in 3.5 years, I had a terrible dream such as that, but I when I woke up- P Bonez was in the other room, watching a movie with the roommate. All the chairs were in the same place, my cupboards we half open and my two Vanity Fair magazines were scattered next to me. Such a simple realization hit me so hard.
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My awakening is that I look over and I see P Bonez next to me and my heart is so full it wants to burst. My awakening is that my dreams haunt me because what I went through in 2005 could possibly be the most excrutiating experience of my life and it was so unfair to me to lose such great people. But also- that I am so damn lucky to have known such an amazing love because I had to know that love to find it again. And I did.
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There is no doubt in my mind Tsiki had this all planned out for me, in my heart I know that this is how he would want it. If he couldn't be here with us, he would only want us all to be happy.
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I know this because I can feel it in my blood and my bones almost every moment..... of every waking day.... of this life that I am living.
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Happy Birthday to me.

Baruch HaShem

1 Comments:

At 8/23/2008 6:39 AM, Blogger aoc gold said...

Flower In The Crannied Wall

Flower in the crannied wall,

I pluck you out of the crannies,

I hold you here, root and all, in my hand,

Little flower---but if I could understand

What you are, root and all, and all in all,

I should know what God and man is.

-----by Age Of Conan gold

 

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