Sunday, April 27, 2008

Where do we go now?

The last week has been filled with Matzah and BBQ's. I've been bike riding and pottery painting, I've eaten ice cream and sat near a pool- all the while watching the brown dots on my arm grow together to form hieroglyphic messages that I cannot decipher. I've made it through yet another Passover, which my heart and head intact. And I still find it hard to believe that 3 years has passed and life is moving forward.
The insane guilt of missing Tsiki's memorial bike ride is eating at me slowly. My lack of attendance was a result of poor planning, or too much planning with not enough time or energy to do it all. Ginrod has become the 'yes' girl, everything sounds like a good idea. And when I missed the alarm to wake me up to get me on a bus to another town for the ride, I didn't hack it.
Now I feel like a bad kid.
Ever since my own engagement, I've been trying to swallow where my place is with Tsiki's memory. His parents never get another son, his friends will always be his friends. He'll always be someone's brother. But where is the place for the girlfriend/fiancée' when she moves on? Tsiki was my catalyst for most things I chose in terms of Israel, but I am finding it a challenge to know where I belong now. Does the girlfriend lose her place when she moves on? If not, where does she go?
I am sure this is a common issue with women in my situation, I just forgot to ask people about it before I began experiencing it myself.


At 4/27/2008 5:06 PM, Blogger Derek said...

Hey Susi! I just had drinks yesterday with Seth and Luke who are visiting in Boston. We reminisced about all our fond PC memories and times in Thailand, which included you, of course. Wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and hope your well. If your ever in Boston look me up. :)

- Derek

At 4/27/2008 8:25 PM, Blogger Shara Grif said...

you're not a bad kid.
you're human.
you're a woman who is looking forward to her future and keeping a healthy grasp on the past...because you know where you came from...

love you so much.

At 4/28/2008 12:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are not a bad kid and you don't lose your place. It is okay for you to look ahead and live this life we all get. Some of us aren't able to do that and are envious of people, like you, who can do this.


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