Thursday, February 22, 2007

Stairs..again?

Tsiki's sister commented on Passover slowly approaching us next month. "You can feel it in the air, we can at least". When she made that statement- I can honestly say I felt a sense of relief. And I told her so- it made me feel like I am not so crazy. Often, I feel a bit dramatic in my thoughts, and misunderstood- but after conversations with those who knew me before and after, the realization is: it's pretty normal to feel this way. I have also realized that, although many nuts and bolts in my brain and soul have been rewired- a lot of of my essence remains a constant.
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I went to bed extremely early last night. I laid there- with the windows closed tightly and my headphones on, depriving myself of the senses I use everyday and forced myself into silence. A meditative calmness that I truly neeeded after a day of buses and cubicle walls. I thought about my hesitations of coping with another year gone by, another cycle that will begin with memorials and remembrances and the possibilities of conversion. I thought about the time where this time of year didn't mean a roller coaster of emotion into a holiday that is only a month away, and a reminder of the deepest pain I've ever felt in my soul.
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It was three years ago, that I was laying bricks on the province of Phuket, helping sea gypsies rebuild the homes they lost in the Tsunami. Ending the long summer days with a walk around a pond where victims where found, through homes destroyed.. onto the empty beach with the sun greeting us before it set into the ocean floor. I worked hard to relive that time, in my heart- Tsunami relief-where there was disorder around me, but order in my soul. The last two years came in the form of order around me, but a disorder in my soul and a loneliness from losing the most important thing that ever happened to me.
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And then I fell asleep and I was dressed up in a long gown, in a museum.. a large, museum where even the architecture was art. There were long flights of wide steps, each step uniquely carved, of a marble like stone. Each flight was at least 75 steps and I had to pick up my long gown as I ran up and up and up. I finally reached a long, large hallway and entered into a large ball. I sat next to Tsiki's mother and I was very weary about the environment around me. But I knew it to be good and promising. A man sat next to me, who I trusted- and I felt safe. And all these emotions began to stir inside of me and I became scared- that feeling was familiar. When the light adjusted certain qualities of Tsiki shown on his face and I became scared- because it wasn', but when the shadows would fall, like some sort of mind trick- this essence of Tsiki would glow through him. I found myself making an excuse and hurriedly leaving. And after I ran down the stairs, I realized I couldn't keep running these stairs. And I gathered my gown once again and climbed back up the stairs. Because it was beautiful in there- in that hall, and I was scared- and it's ok.
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xx

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