Sunday, February 04, 2007

Stairs


My heart is in my throat this week as I pretend to patiently wait for the phone call from my Rabbi that will determine if this conversion is next week, 2 months, or half a year..
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Ever since Israel came into my life, I've seen myself as a different person. I suppose a place like this will do it to you. I looked at pictures when I was in my early 20s and analyzed that naive girl staring back at me. If she ever knew what her mid-twenties were going to be like, she would probably laugh madly and then ask "why" in a worry some matter- of- fact way.
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I had a dream last night I was in a mansion. But it was all a maze, M.C Escher stairwells leading me higher and higher then stopping. I'd jump a banister to find another staircase with hopes it led somewhere. Certain rooms were filled with material items, beautiful vases, exotic paintings, children's toys. I came to the top of the mansion and found myself outside, as if on top of a mountain, and in order to reach the garden, I would have to jump on a pulley like device that would bungee me to the bottom.
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I'm terrified of heights.
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absolutely terrified.
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but this was the only way down, you couldn't return to the mansion, I had to take this route to be outside in the Garden where everyone was expecting me.
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It was a risky jump to grab hold of the cord that would ferry me in- but i did it with my eyes closed and i could feel the heavy air on my skin and I glided down. Upon landing I looked up and the big cliff until my heartbeat went back to normal and I simply walked into the beautiful garden of the mansion that really wasn't there and everything faded.
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For the sake of my sanity, I pray this week will prove to have a spoonful of fate incorporated with a lot of dancing. The rain is good to have, but I'm ready for a dab of summertime.

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