Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Captured thought of a Ginrod

Dearest Tsiki,
I have an hour to get these tears out. The Rabbi is ready to meet with me. I did the dishes,with Imogen Heap "Hide and Seek" keeping me comfort. It's as if the last 2 years of my hardship slammed into me. Here I am, with my soul wide open, scared-excited- anticipating, waiting.
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In one of our last conversations, when you were in the tower near Hebron, we discussed our future, you stood by me that month as I coped with the loss of my father. "We're gonna be the greatest couple ever!" I exclaimed, looking forward..always looking forward. Our children would have been Moroccan, Romanian, German, and Filipino. We planned our trip to South America, Graduate school in the U.S...we loved dreaming ...Despite the loss of my father, you kept my light burning. In the end of the conversation, I became quiet.
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Do you remember? ?-and with all my heart, i asked you to be careful- i told you i realize how painful death is and my heart could not take another one. " Don't worry sooz- it's only reserve service" as I heard the other soldiers chatting behind you. "you are the most important thing in the world to me" I stammered. "If anything happens, please get up. Just get up". "You are too sooz! "There is only one person in the world for me, and that's you." .You said.
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If you wanna make G-d laugh, make a plan.
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The last two years have been a whirlwind. I have come to learn so many things- and the difference in between. I learned Judaism backwards, I sat Sheva for you- but they didn't tear my shirt as I mourned, we didn't even have a ring. I blindly woke up each day, looking for little miracles to keep me going. I saw birds sitting on branches around me, how clouds would glow in the sunset. I sat, staring at the Sea and let the wind slap me. I drove every morning with Jerusalem in front of me. My dreams told me I would be OK, and this is the path. I rode that path with our family, with our friends, and my new ones. I kept you in memory by the Hamsa you gave me until it fell off near our anniversary. Did I feel this things or did I make them up?

I learned to live with my sewn heart. I was happy with a lot, but I was also very lonely. The Rabbi is ready to meet me Tsiki, how can I explain my sincerity. When will it be enough? I feel as things begin to take shape, an important factor that defined me, that has become me, is changing and i am afraid.
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I made a promise to myself and for the sake of life in general that I would be strong, but I am weak, when you died- everything I thought I was vanished and I had to replant a new seed. Every time I built myself up this year- there was another memorial, another anniversary. Another speaking engagement, another war. Another soldier. a friendship lost.
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This meeting tonight is of what I have sown, and I wonder when I sit across from him, what he will think. Will he see a light- or a confused twenty-something year old trying to make sense of senseless things. What name of G-d will be with me tonight? Is OK to be scared Tsiki? Am I the only one that sees the symbolism in this? Is it OK to be scared, happy, sad and in love, all at the same time?
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Will i be a beautiful person because of my convictions? Or do I make my convictions beautiful?
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Wherever you are, I'm thinking of you. I'm scared, but I am ready to step forward into the sapling that has grown in the midst of all that has brought me here. Thanks for showing me true love Tsiki, I've used that knowledge in everything I have done since you left us. In case you didn't know, I've done a lot.

4 Comments:

At 2/08/2007 6:54 PM, Blogger Friends of Tsiki said...

It touched my heart.. I wrote little - because writing more would have been too difficult. But you conveyed so much love. thank you.

 
At 2/09/2007 3:01 PM, Blogger Avram said...

This is one of the most beautiful, heart tearing pieces I've read. There's not much more to say, but stay strong and hold onto your vision.

 
At 2/09/2007 4:26 PM, Anonymous queenofkatamon said...

That is really beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hate having to come out a stronger person, but pat yourself on the back. You're living it every moment. May you know no further sorrow.

 
At 2/16/2007 5:47 AM, Blogger Kimberly said...

Susi, the love that you and Tsiki share is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your heartache but I want to let you know that your writing of love and loss is simply amazing. You have always been talented but you continue to transform into a stronger and more beautiful woman. I believe that Tsiki is so proud of your life and all you are doing. Keep sharing, keep pressing forward. You are a blessing.

 

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