Sunday, December 31, 2006

Home Again


Returning back from the states and into Israel makes me feel like I am torn between two mothers. My own mother and family and the way of I was raised, and Israel.

Last night I had a dream of herding two elephants into a bus. One was small, managable, and had a good comman of the English language The other, large and wild. I had to keep it's rope tight around it's neck or it would run off again. The little one minded my commands and never ran far.

When I was 16, I had my whole life planned out. I was already researching the Peace Corps, not really knowing completely what it was, but I knew I wanted to do it. The only thing that held me back was that Bachelor's degree I was 6 years away from attaining. I knew I wanted to go into PR/Marketing, I knew I wanted to study abroad and at 25 I wanted to have found that one love that super ceded the rest in all categories.

Until the age of 24, I managed all the things my 16 year self planned. I thought I was too young to ever plan for the curve balls of religion and death.

I somewhat see the little elephant of the person I innately am, all the things I am capable and have done and who knows myself best- my own ability to stray but stay close to home, the one that has a voice. The larger elephant is that of which is my unexpected. My G-d and his death, the way I constantly try to figure it out and more often than not, it leaves me jet-lagged, sitting on the rocks at the beach in the middle of the night until raindrops begin to break on my shoulders.

I guess 2007 will be my attempt to balance it all. The whole polarization of my life back home and here often shakes me upon arrival. Yesterday, it shook me so much I had to call Tsiki's best friend up when I was at the beach. "Remind me, what it was like- was there really love there? Am I crazy to believe in fate etc.? Why do I feel sometimes blessed and the next like I am yelling at a brick wall?

I guess my thoughts will ease with the rain.
xx

0 Comments:

Post a Comment