Saturday, December 02, 2006

Happy birthday

Today, Tsiki would have been 25 years old. There are times, where I let my imagination run. I think of those who I know today, and those in the past, and I attempt come up with some other scenario and wonder if I replaced it with what really happened- if I would find myself in the same exact place, with the same exact thoughts- and catch myself wondering about all the things that could have happened. I see the circular patterns more clearly these days, they are everywhere. From when you squeeze your eyes shut and your cornea glows through your eyelids, to the roundness of particular freckles on my body.

I woke up early and began my walk. I took myself to all the places in Jerusalem that Tsiki took me the first time I visited. I reflected on conversations we had, and let myself remember each word. I remembered the jokes and the coffees we had as we watched passerbys. I let it all resonate in my soul and allowed those memories to have their way with me, I let so much of it out Thursday night and Friday morning, I wasn't afraid to feel a little more on the actual birthday.

Meine seele war ganz ruhig.

I sat at the wailing wall, and waited for something to erupt from my tear ducts, as it usual does every time I go, but nothing. The day was beautiful and the chanting of prayers from those around created a peaceful hum in the air. Everyone was focused, the tourists looked on and I sat back on the white, plastic chair with a grin of satisfaction. I got myself lost in the Arab quarter as super-cops ran by, I consistently ignored the cat calls of the merchants as I marched myself up the steps and out of King Davids tower.

I tell people over and over than I may never be sure how I ended up here. Choosing to live and grow in a country that you never belonged to- I tell people it gets lonely having no family, and many of my friends agree- they don't either. I understand why I am envious when I attend Shabbat dinners and there are loving couples around me. But I also believe in fate, and all that I do not understand belongs in that unit of thought. It belongs to the world of G-d and making sense of the truths we cannot swallow immediately.

The days are still beautiful. I just have a different understanding and internalization of that beauty.



At 12/04/2006 11:03 PM, Blogger Dazed Glonut said...

May the days continue to be beautiful for you xx


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