Friday, November 24, 2006

love happens.


I was woken up by my Rabbi at 7 this morning, expressing concern on my transportation during Shabbat to Bnei Brak. "Hi Susi, did I wake you?" he asks. "Naw, I always wake up at 7 in the morning after copious amounts of wine" I think to myself. "No no no, how are you?" I ask as I put him on loudspeaker and try to shake my head awake.
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He explains his worries and I assure him to remember, that I was in the Peace Corps and don't mind two hour walks home.
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"What if we found someone cool for you to stay with in Bnei Brak?"
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Did my Rabbi just assume I only do cool? "No thanks, If i stay in Bnei Brak too long I might melt" I joke.
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Two hours walks, two hours walks. After a month of phone, water, gas, toilet,visa, and bank problems, I am really not bothered by: anything. Plus, I like a good story- Bnei Brak for Fri night dinner will be interesting, and quite hardcore in my book.
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In the last week, I've felt in love, I can't be sure why. It reminds me of how I used to feel, the whole "The world is my oyster and I am gonna dance up in it" mentality. Once upon a time, I climbed a mountain in Morroco and professed my love to the world. I vowed never to work in a cubicle and to maintain the authentic feeling of being madly in love. I lost a lot of that in the last year and a half and with the absence of some people in my life, alive and dead, and nowadays: one thing I never take for granted is my happiness. It's the most precious thing to me aside from my decision to convert. Especially now, more than any of you may ever know.
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In my situation, beautiful feelings don't last for long, Tsiki would have been 25 this upcoming week, and with that knowledge, I am holding on to a strong post with prayer that I can maintain authenticity when my heart becomes too hard to hold. I would prefer someone else to hold it during this time, but at this moment- it's not feasible. So... i am building reinforcements and strapping them on my back. This is all a learning experience for me, each day I experience- I become more aware of who the I am and closer to the truth about life. It's scary, it's frightening, it makes me sad, but it's simply how it is. What can I do? The horrific thing about experiencing the trauma of death is that you don't choose it, but you suffer nevertheless, you become crippled. 1.5 years ago my heart was so full of love and happiness, and within a moment it was torn out of me, dispered into the universe, as if G-d whispered to me "You are not alloted this, so sorry". I don't know if i'm bitter about it, but I am sad sometimes when I think about it. I did feel my heart flutter this year, I had half of a 2nd chance didn't i?
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I can't be sure the meaning of it all, but I am working through it, and i'm better for it.And lucky for me, i'll have hours of walking ahead of me to ponder the universe, and everything in between, on my way home from Shabbat din din.

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