Sunday, November 12, 2006

Hunger.


When I woke up from my dream this morning at 4:30, my heart and mind paused with a sort of numbness that I can only explain with the moments after a small child gets hurt, when they look at the world around them and then they allow it to crumple after a few seconds when the pain inflicted upon themselves is realized.
This dream was so convincingly real, it breaks my heart that it came to me, but it also left me extremly curious as to why they come, so few and far between, but so so real.
.
.
I'm taking out the trash, but it's a piece of luggage filled with trash, and this joyous cacophony causes me to turn around. It's Tsiki's friends, running towards me, and behind them is Tsiki, in his IDF uniform. I pause, staring in disbelief- and I begin to cry. I touch his face and it's alive and there and I hug him and he's so warm. I am so confused and I ask him and his friends "how can this be? Tsiki has been dead for a year and a half", and everyone is so happy so see him, that they urge me to not ask such silly things.
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Tsiki's friends allow us our own reunion as I pull him to the side, completely stunned, and so deeply happy to have a glimpse of him for my heart that we continue to his family's home-in this hoard of happiness. His mother is shocked to see him, she is so shocked she has to go lie down, none of us know what to think. I sit on the floor and he lies his head on my lap as I am stroking his hair. " You've lost weight sooz" he says. "I lost 5 kilos when you died, I gained back about 1.5" I answer. He bites his lip. "You're mother cried everyday, until I moved out, she probably still cries for you, but I'm not there to witness it anymore. It's really good your back Tsiki. For ever how long are you. It's really good to see you, I miss knowing what's it's like to have everything back again."
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And then I tell him everything, about how hard the last year and a half has been, I tell him about P Bonez, and about conversion, what the world is like- what Israel is like for me. He says "ahh you're ready for babies"..with a smile, and I give him a "pfffft". "Where i've been susi, there are a lot of religious people, we talk about things, about the families left behind, they are sad for me, that I never left behind a child, to continue my cycle, have many babies Sooz, it'll make you so happy" he says with sad eyes. His dad walks in and Tsiki laughs "What for shoes are you wearing Aba?!" We all laugh and tell him they're Crocs, that it's the new thing...he says he should get a pair, that they're hilarious.
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There's a silence in the room and I turn to look at him. "I know this isn't right, that you can't be alive- that this isn't real, but it feels so real Tsiki. It feels like if I wish these moments enough I don't ever have to go back to the loneliness of real life, to the loneliness of a cold bed. We don't have to be together, time has passed, I know I can move on, but I don't want to always have to say goodbye to the things that make me happy, and even after you passed, I am still having to let go of what I care about."
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I then get up to go to the kitchen, to call my brother and tell him of this amazing occurrence. One of our mutual friends follows me into the kitchen. "He's not gonna last long" she tells me. "It's not normal, people don't die and come back, he's gonna fade susi". "I know", I tell her assuringly "i'm not lucky enough for this to be real, I know, but let me pretend i'll have it forever, let me let myself believe this to be real" I say.
.
..and I walk into the living room and he's gone- and they are all gone, and that is when I wake up and my heart and mind are frozen, and I get up to look in my own living room, to see if maybe something is waiting for me. Nothing is there.
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I sit on my bed, with the light on, 4:30 in the morning, and blow my nose. And it bleeds, and all I can remember is the unexplainable nosebleeds I got the week I sat Sheva at the Eyal's home.

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