Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Phone call

I am trying to create my own philosophy at the moment. Trying to create a beautiful balance between the everyday trials and what brought me here. The heat is drifting away in Tel Aviv, and due to apartment rules, i found myself drinking wine and smoking cigarrettes on the park bench outside, talking on the phone to best friends in Seattle, in Tel Aviv, and having conversations with fellow Pinays escorting their aging bosses on canes. At my age, I know who I am. I know who I can be. I can deal with myself just fine ( i just can't control how those around react to me). And as I took an early night in- and as my roommate is beginning his night out, I get a phone call with an Israeli accent.

"hi 'susi, my name is Rachael, I got your number from the girlfriend group."

"ok,"I say...what's up?".

"i just lost my fiance' in the last war, it's been a couple months. Ever since there's been a hammer over my heart. They told me it happened to you, the same unit, a commander. They said you were inspired enough by his death that you moved here, and you are converting..they say you did all this and you're ok. i'm calliing you because I don't think I will be."

...... .......................................

i don't know what to say.


"are you ok?" she asks..

"of course", i automatically answer.

"i take that back", i tell her- "I'm still trying, I am SO much better than before, almost OK. I understand things SO much bettter.. about life, and the cycle of it, and how to breath in death and breath out life, but i am still trying. I am happy, but I get more sad so much easier. I get jealous because of the things I don't have. But I wake up every single day and remember that a lot of people my age never got to breath in life the way I did. and therefore, shit.. i dunno..it's suppose to be worth it."

and then, there is this silence. and she challenges me:" but i loved him"... she says.

me? i'm a little bit bigger now, and a little bit stronger, and a lot more weak and a lot more romantic. and all I can say to this girl is: "i'm sorry", i then I refuse to challenge her back, because we all are self righteous and I believed it in the most beautiful way as well, and I don't want to take it away from her.

I tell her how we grow, and we ache, and we're lucky to be here, in this place Eretz Y'srael- because everyone understands-but we both know many don't. And I tell her with a smile that as much as we may hate ourselves for being "that girl" .we had no choice, and because of that- since we still have innocence. and we DO love again, and that is something I know for sure..and anything is possible and look at me: i'm working and juggling and dancing and jumping, and in that i'm not sure it'll be ok, but it should be."

And I know when we hang up, she doesn't believe me. and she's so crushed and small right now. but i told her I would call her in three months. Like I did the other girls. and when I DO call them, they are always better. and they move on.


At 10/12/2006 11:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

on the days when you walk through the world like an uninvited guest due to grief that swallows you whole..when you feel like the volume's been turned down on the whole world and you're leading a somewhat rubbish version of real life - other than your own romanticism and philosophy, knowing that other people come out ok makes you believe that life's real and good. susi, ur blog's wicked!

At 10/13/2006 8:16 AM, Blogger Ginrod Isus said...

wow- i just analyzed and i don't know who it is, now i'm curious...

At 10/13/2006 12:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe it was jerry springer...


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