Saturday, July 15, 2006

Closure

I came home from Berlin with a new balance to my soul that I haven't felt in nearly a year in a half. I think it was the realization that although I have chosen Israel, and although the tragedies of last year alienated me from a life I was so familiar with, I am extremely lucky to have a supportive family behind me. Spending the weekend with my mother, bry, and my grandmothers made this my ephipany of the week. Dropping your fathers ashes off in his home city is never a task anyone 25 year old wants to anticipate, but when I look back on it, I have this flutter in my heart. We fulfilled my fathers last wishes, as a family. Something I realized about my family: the cultural diversity that defined the Dorings, allows me to thrive in my own choices in my adult life.

In seeing my mother for the first time in six months, I carried this aching feeling that my choice to do an Orthodox conversion will permanently alienate me from my mother. That my children will never be able to relate to my Catholic Philipino side of my family and that I am painting my fur to be a shade of the blacker than black color of sheep. I had this aching fear that my mother does not respect my last year of accomplishments and that I can no longer make her proud, since I am choosing a faith that is a different time zone from what I what accustomed to for 24 years. Last weekend, such aches have been put to rest. My mother may not understand Judaism, she may not be familiar with the significance of Israel to Jews worldwide, but she is still my mother, and she does accept my choices in Judaism, in Israel, and in my personal and career life.

I am able to sit back, take a deep breath and simply be thankful for my my family, that we can run along different paths, and still carry ourselves as family. It's something I am extremely proud of, even if I cannot find the right melody to express it.

Israel is all over the news right now. I have been receiving textes and emails about my safety. The impending fear of my Israeli friends being called into reserves pulls the strings in my heart. I am not afraid for myself, I am afraid for my friends. I have however, come to the conclusion that because I chose Israel, I chose to experience a reality that the West has only had a taste of. In all the fear that endless possibilities of a war on your soil carries, we will still go to work, and have Thursday night birthday celebrations with splashing glasses of Jameson. We will still have amazingly lovely Friday night dinners with top friends and giggle together over completely irrelevent and scandelous topics as we feast on new recipes. The stress of what could/will happen looms over us, the guilt of enjoying ourselves floats around us, but we can be at home with it.

1 Comments:

At 7/19/2006 7:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Susi, thanks.

Living in such a critical part of the world and at such historic times, we’re grateful that you’ve been blessed with an innate ability to share these meaningful life’s experiences with us… To ‘make our hearts flutter’ through your prose. Keep up the good writing. Whatever your decisions in life, know that those of us who know you and love you, including your mother and Siggy, will always remain proud.

Murray and Guia

 

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